Tinder and Blind

Last weekend I received a message from a friend in the UK. It started off with ‘Dear Dating Guru’ before delving into the question which required adequate advice. It struck me that this isn’t an uncommon occurrence, me being asked for advice. I’m some sort of natural agony aunt and I have no idea why, but if it’s because I seemingly give logical advice then I’m happy to help.

Once I responded to this message I thought that it may apply to others too (I promise I asked more than just the one question, and I realise my sense of time was out here, too!). I asked my friend’s permission before openly publishing it. She shall remain anonymous.

The premise of this dilemma was that after some back and forth messaging over the past week, the boy in question was going through some work issues which my lovely friend wanted to help him with, just by being an ear for him. However, he hadn’t responded to her offer and previously had accused her of being too closed off with him.

It also unfolded that my friend had instigated all messages that week. This is a key detail. She wanted to message again telling him how she felt, namely rejected that he hadn’t responded to her sympathy after breaking down some barriers which she only did once he asked her to. Understandably she was annoyed and found it rude.

Now being the outsider I have to play devils advocate and see his side also. He’s having issues, I tell her, he might be grateful for the advice but just isn’t in the right place in his head right now to read too deeply into anything. So my advice? Don’t instigate any more messages. He knows her offer is there because she has made it clear. Don’t double text. Don’t tell him you’re frustrated/annoyed or think he’s being plain rude by breaking down her barriers then ignoring her. Just. Wait.

This applies to most situations: If he’s into you then he will reply, he will always message first if he is interested. Period. If someone is into you then they will make the effort, even if it is just one message among a busy morning.

Being on both sides I know it’s bloody hard to ignore your phone when you’re the last texter. You start over analysing situations and coming up with scenarios in your head, which ultimately (non rationally ) make you want the other person more. Everyone loves a challenge. If my friend doesn’t message then he will notice it, 100%. She automatically has the power shifted to her, no we don’t like all these games in our late twenties, but I’m sorry The Game doesn’t have an age limit. At the end of the day if you want to be wanted, you need to become a challenge to the other person.

I am assured she took my advice, even if she’s itching to message him abuse telling him he’s rude. She would usually be frosty with him (read message), but again, no need. Wait for him to respond, and if he doesn’t? Not worth the effort. Move on.

Below is an article I wrote for Elite Daily which can also be found here: http://elitedaily.com/dating/single-terrified-settling-down/1512116/

Three years ago, I found out my ex was living a double life. A year later, he was married to the girl he cheated on me with, and last month, I found out they are expecting a baby together.

I’m not an obsessive psycho ex keeping tabs on it. I just found out through various means, and quite frankly, I was over it the minute I found out. But, I’m giving you the context of why I’m such a cynic when it comes to relationships.

Since then, the guys I’ve dated just don’t stack up to my new expectations of what a good relationship should be.

I’m not sure whether or not it’s because subconsciously, I don’t feel like I deserve a nice guy. I know I must have been cheated on for a reason. So, I become attracted to those I know I can’t change.

Another reason could be that I adapted so well to being single and not having any sort of commitment for longer than a couple of months. So now, I’m used to being the single girl with the good stories among my friendship group.

I’m 27, and when my mum was pregnant with me, she was told by a psychic that I would grow up to be a writer and get married at 28. She’s got one out of two things right so far, but the latter point scares me to death. This is especially true because according to my mum’s psychic, I have a year left to fall in love and get engaged. (Highly unlikely.)

What I want to know is, can you become so used to being single that you develop a phobia of being in a committed relationship?

I have been in two long-term relationships, so I know I can do it. But, I was a different person back then and oh so young. These days, the moment someone is interested in me, I freeze after a couple of dates and end up ghosting the guy. I’m the bitch, but really, I’m too scared of committing. So, I don’t want to end up wasting either of our time.

While speaking to fellow single girls, the ones who have been single the longest were also the ones who have been cheated on. So, I decided to do some research to see if it was something in our subconscious. An irrational fear, maybe?

It seems that after a while of being single, we become more selfish and notably more self-sufficient. We no longer need to think about another person’s needs before our own. It’s obvious, I know, but this means it’s harder to care for someone else as easily.

Our defense is on high alert, even during the first date. So, we can usually suss whether or not we will agree to a second pretty quickly.

Going from one relationship to the next within a shorter span of time is much easier for us to adapt to because we haven’t stopped flexing our relationship muscle memory. It makes sense.

For those of us who have been single for a while, at least we know what not to settle for. We know exactly what we’re looking for in the opposite sex. The thing to remember here is, perfect doesn’t exist, and our expectations outweigh reality over time.

The best thing I read during my research was this paragraph on thoughts4men.com, which states the following about settling down:

It’s all just to cover up the face you’re scared, and your instincts are telling you to run in the opposite direction as fast as possible because then you can’t be hurt by this person who now has partial dictatorship over your happiness. The greatest risk of all is..staying..and giving in to the fact you’re actually starting to care about someone. Someone who now has the ability to destroy you.

Which just about sums up how I feel. Why give away a piece of yourself that could get trampled on again? Instead I created a barrier which hasn’t been chipped away at in close to three years. Commitment phobe or what, eh?