Tinder and Blind

A friend sent me this excerpt from Sex & The City.

Although fictional characters in a TV series, this is a pretty accurate depiction of the sort of chat us females possess when together. Bear in mind this statement is being constructed among three women (Samantha is probably shagging Smith on a sushi table somewhere). The operative word here though is ‘female’. Three females talking about their opinion of male thoughts and ideals, in a fairly decisive way. Especially Miranda.

She’s implying, actually rather, she’s blatantly stating that a man is only ready when he’s ready, regardless if Megan Fox is flashing her bare wedding finger at him or not; if he’s not in the right mindset then his light will be off and he’ll keep driving. The shift of power between the sexes is at play; suggesting that men have the say when it comes to settling, over women, which I think is a load of crap. Personally, I’ve been in a place where I’ve met a great guy but in my head I’ve not been ready to commit because I knew I wouldn’t be the best version of me until I’d worked on myself a bit longer- travelled, built my career, etc. So Miranda saying ‘women have been lit pretty much since birth’ doesn’t apply to all women- I just felt that needed clarifying as it plants a mental image in my head of women in a metaphorical taxi queue just waiting desperately for a man who is ready to pull over and fling open his cab door.

With this statement in mind, I decided to dig deeper and ask a handful of my male friends if they agreed with this gaggle of opinionated women. Apart from realising I actually have quite a lot of single male friends, (and yet I’m still single) I found this mini experiment way more insightful than apprehended.

I asked a slightly mixed bag of relationship statuses to make it a fair test. Two I haven’t quoted because they literally replied ‘agreed’, they were both engaged. The rest are either single, engaged or recently out of a relationship.

What I learnt from this is that men are not all simple creatures that they often confess to being. One of them was convinced that I’d get the same answer from everyone, when I told him I hadn’t, he was genuinely surprised. He thought I’d get a unanimous ‘agree’.

I sent them the above conversation from SATC and asked the same two questions to all: “Do you agree with this statement?” and “how do you know when you’re ready to settle- as a man?”

Responses:

25 year old- single

Nope.

So the moment a guy decides he does want to be with someone, first girl he sees, that’s it? I think that’s nonsense. Haha

I’d agree with the fact that generally all men’s lights are off, to an extent. But I think it’s meeting someone you really like, whether in a bar, at work or wherever, that then makes them ‘switch their lights on’

29 year old single- previously engaged

Not far off to be fair! I know I have my moments but a lot of it is dictated by the woman, you can have your ‘light on’ meet someone who seems right, then over time they change or reveal a different side to them and then it’s over and your light goes off for the next person you meet.. you can easily meet the right person at the wrong time

Me: If you meet the right person at the wrong time then would that make you just move on? Or try and make it work?

Him: I’ve met some amazing people at the wrong time and where I’m not in the right gear I’ve not given myself the chance to make it work..but on the flip side I met the girl I got engaged to at the wrong time but I knew she was special so it changed everything

Humans are complex creatures, I guess you can’t really put emotions into situational categories

28 year old- engaged

Yeah 100%. My fiancé was the only person I’ve dated who I met when I wasn’t ready to start seeing someone. Every other girl..I think to myself I’m ready to have a gf, meet someone nice, and usually I have one within a month or so. It’s not the first girl to come along but it’s the first one who’s dateable

Me: so what made you change your thinking?

Him: Right girl, wrong time but I didn’t want to not date her. Turned out to be the right time after all because now I’m marrying her

29 year old- single

No *crying laugh emoji*. Depends on the girl.

Me: So you’d say it doesn’t matter where you are in your head, if it’s the right girl you’ll change your mindset

Him: Potentially. I did. Depends on the guy though. Some guys just want to be players all the time then somehow get tied down. Fuck just taking some girl because it’s convenient, that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard

29 year old- single

Don’t agree with that at all. Obvs differs between different guys. I feel a lot of my friends have got to a certain age and just settled for whatever is in their life at that time to be honest, it’s happening more and more

I guess when you know, you know, and it just happens

30 year old- single

Very true indeed. It’s the same with lads though, some who just want their dinner on the table and a wife at home can’t wait to settle down, and they settle for anything

28 year old- engaged

Agree. I had a job for a long time which wouldn’t allow me to maintain a relationship monogamously. That’s down to me though, I didn’t want to have to be committed because I was having too much fun being a player. The moment I got older and changed careers though, I wanted the settled life. I’d had my fun single and I was ready for more fun but I wanted it in a relationship this time, but it would take a certain girl to swing it for me. Luckily I found her and I’m marrying her

56 year old divorced, now engaged- My dad 

She is right in saying that love is not that random!

Having said that in agreement, however, most men would fall for any woman if A- she’s attractive, B- he finds her personality stimulatingly compatible and C- there is unexplainable reciprocal chemistry. Then boom! It’s a wrap and yes in that order- lights on, off or yellow.

The common denominator among all the responses here is compatibility. No one has said ‘right time, wrong girl’. The ones who have settled all found the right girl, maybe at the wrong time, but they made it work through the belief that this person is the ‘right one’.

To pick up on the first response (25 single), he clearly doesn’t believe in love at first sight, but more so in it growing over time. The phrase itself is a shallow one.  Love at first sight refers to the fact that love does not merely consist of feelings; rather, it essentially involves time & activities, and these cannot be exerted at first sight.

To quote Steve Jobs: “As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on.” Or, as a couple of these guys have found out, you have a great run for a few months then she gets pissed off at you going out too much and wasn’t ‘the one’ after all. Either way, a guy will turn his light on for the right girl, as will be reciprocated by the girl, for the right guy, no matter what the circumstances.