Tinder and Blind

A once single Tinder obsessed bad dater London girl living in Dubai, to a step-mum who bagged a boy in Dubai, now living in London

Week 5 of the F45 Challenge

5th-12th March

Sunday-Wednesday went well, I stuck to the plan and all was well. Then two of my friends landed in Dubai and it all went downhill. Brunch, 32 shots, gin, cocktails, jagerbombs, another brunch, dessert, chocolate, cheesecake, rice, pasta, bread. The list goes on, and on. I went to F45 training for five days last week instead of six, but I’m going to ensure I go six days this week and do a run or two as well.

It’s Monday now and I usually start my Monday on Sunday’s because the working week here in Dubai is Sunday-Thursday, but I had the day off work yesterday so my new week back on the plan is now.

I feel awful for my over indulging, but it was worth the fun with my friends. A weekend of stories that will go down in our friendship history.

This is the final week of the longest phase on the plan and next week will see the start of the keto phase, high fat and low carb to (hopefully) shed the fat and find my abs. Though after last weekend I’m not sure my abs exist anymore. I’m looking forward to being prepped and not drinking or eating anything off plan again for the next three weeks. So don’t invite me on any brunches, please.



Week 4 of the F45 Challenge

I slipped this last week. I went for a spa evening after work last Sunday, turns out the package included a chocolate brownie, post-massage. When the lady brought out two plates of the amazing chocolatey squareyness, my friend said my face dropped like a child’s who knew they weren’t allowed something.

It was 8.30pm and I hadn’t eaten since 3.30pm, so I caved. I ate the whole god damn thing and I savoured every bite. It was bliss. Having gone 21 days with zero sugar and sticking to the plan 100%, I didn’t feel guilty. I did however, skip my dinner of chicken with brown rice in order to justify my slip up and calorie intake.

I got straight back on the wagon the following day and stayed on it..till Friday, the much anticipated hen do. I ate a bit of salmon and a bit of beef then..a shit load of dessert. I had a crepe with Nutella and strawberries, topped with ice cream and chocolate. Then I had another crepe about two hours later, with a side of brownie. I had two shots of cafe patron and one gin with soda, and a pineapple vodka thing. So alcohol wise, not too bad for the duration of 11 hours, but I fully committed carbicide on the dessert front, and didn’t regret a second of it..until the next day. My stomach was in pieces and I had a migraine the entire day, staying in bed with a blindfold on for about six hours. It’s true, sugar is the devil, but it tastes so damn good. They say you taste everything more intensely and sweeter when you have sugar after a long time; I didn’t notice, I did notice however that life was amazing for the five minutes of dessert consumption. It was glorious.

The next day I got back on the plan and have worked out every day since. I’m at an event all week, hence my delay in posting my weeks progress, but so far I’ve been bringing my tupperwear and protein shakes with me to the event, and avoiding all the free buffet food. Tomorrow I have an awards dinner so I’ll skip my morning and afternoon snacks in order to make room for a calorific evening. I then have friends over for the weekend, so I’ll have to balance out my weekend by being an absolute saint for the three weeks that follow to the end of the challenge.

I’ve lost over a dress size, all my clothes are baggy and I got a lot of compliments over the weekend saying I looked great, which is always nice to hear. Even if it did make me realise what a heffer I was turning into before!

Three and a half weeks to go people and I’m determined to look an absolute babe by 1st April. Even if I do dream of dessert every. single. day.




Week Three of the F45 Challenge

19th-25th February

Three weeks down and I’ve lost 5kg, which is 11lbs! I fit into clothes I haven’t been able to wear for 18 months and I can see the beginnings of my abs. I still haven’t deviated from the plan and I’m really enjoying it. Even if I’m spending my weekend nights binge watching Friends instead of binge eating with my friends, oh and spending hours in the supermarket looking for rice malt syrup. Yeah I’d never heard of it either.

The food last week consisted of red meat, which I never cook or buy usually (because I watched Cowspiracy and almost turned vegan, for about 30 seconds), fish like tuna & salmon, and still no sugar. There was a lot of protein,  having eggs every day still hasn’t bugged my stomach so I’m thinking my intolerance may now be tolerant?!


A typical day on week 3: Breakfast: eggs and kale. Snack: celery with blackbean dip Lunch: tuna with lentils, red pepper & red onion. Afternoon snack: tinned salmon with cucumber. Dinner: Courgette, beef, rocket, pinenuts & balsamic dressing

I went to F45 for five days then did swing yoga and went for a run for the remaining two days. Today I’m taking a total rest and meeting a friend at a Nordic spa after work for two hours of treatments and relaxation.

I think it’s important to take one day every couple of weeks to abstain from any kind of exercise if you’re doing it every day. I’ve found this plan so addictive I feel really guilty if I have a day off from working out, and thus I end up going for a run to satiate my guilt, but actually I realise I need a day off totally because it’s not healthy to become so obsessive about it.


Thursday run after work

Week 3-6 (totalling 4 weeks) is the longest phase of the challenge and the next two weeks are going to be tough because I have a lot of events coming up, starting with a hen-do on Friday which will be the first time alcohol passes my lips in over a month, and there will be a lot of food. I’m going to be as careful as I can without being noticeably boring, hens=games=shots, so I might need my stomach pumped.

I’ll prep my food for Saturday in order to get straight back on the wagon rather than order a double pepperoni pizza to soak up the tequila. Here’s to another healthy week (till Friday!!).

Week Two of the F45 Challenge

I cannot believe I’ve gone two weeks without chocolate and alcohol. I genuinely haven’t gone without chocolate for longer than two days since I was about 2 years old. I haven’t gone this long without alcohol since I was actually illegal to drink. Which when I think about it, is really bad.

Week two is over and I can honestly say I’m proud of myself for not being tempted. I went to a boat party for a 30th birthday where alcohol was provided FREE, and instead of sneaking a glass, I took my almond protein shake on board and poured that into a glass instead, disguised as Baileys- same colour FYI. I resisted the Doritos and Lays crisps which my friends were nibbling at while I watched on in envy, I just kept thinking I’ve come this far, why ruin it now.

The second week was fine apart from one afternoon of hunger when I ate my food too early before meetings, then had a five hour gap from snack to dinner with a workout in between. I didn’t pass out, I just drank more water and enjoyed my dinner after the gym, before hitting my bed hard. I haven’t cheated on the plan at all, prepping for every single meal and sticking to my exercise 5-6x per week.


I’ve been sleeping solidly every night for 9 hours and apart from one day I’ve felt satisfied throughout. There was one day I felt a bit of an egg overload and was too full all day, probably doesn’t help that I’m intolerant to eggs, but I’m ignoring my intolerances (mainly cows milk, nuts and eggs) during this challenge to just see if I can make my body overcome it, so far it’s not been too bad. Luckily there’s no cows milk in this plan because I don’t just despise the taste, my gut absolutely hates it too.

Now I’ve done my cleanse and liver detox phase, and I’ve lost 8lbs on the scales, that’s 4kg or just over half a stone, it has also meant I now fit into jeans I haven’t fit into for 18 months, pretty bloody chuffed about that.

So now I’m on week three which is super high protein to get me lean. It’s reintroducing red meat which I haven’t touched for two weeks, and I’m to have a variation of eggs every day for breakfast.

So far so good.

Week One of the F45 Challenge

Week one: 5th-11th February


Firstly, this isn’t a dating related post, I’m sorry. My life now consists of working, gyming, showering, eating, cooking, prepping, and repeating. To be honest, I’m too focussed on my bikini body to think about men right now.

SO, what is this new lifestyle that has taken over my weekly routine? what is F45? Well, unless you live under a rock (or not in a major city) then you’ll know F45 is a fitness phenomenon which is loved by A-listers & models (and me) which started in Australia and now has a studio in several major cities worldwide. It consists of 6 days worth of HIIT functional training, mixing weights, body weight and cardio using basic equipment. The beauty of F45 is that no class is the same, which keeps your body guessing, prevents you from plateau and, dare I say, makes each 45 minute workout more enjoyable and time absolutely flies.

I usually do between 4-6 F45 classes per week and have done since I joined in December last year. However, even though my fitness has definitely improved, my shape (fat) has remained the same. This is down to my lifestyle; as they say- you can’t out train a bad diet. Even though a lot of the time I eat healthily, my weekends are blow outs which include excessive amounts of alcohol and subsequently, hangover food, with the rest of the time eating basically salmon, avocado and finding it hard to say ‘no’ to anything that rhymes with mocklate. The 8 week challenge opportunity came up at my studio and something switched in me, I’ve been living a kind of false sense of security that I’m some sort of health freak just because I put chia seeds in my smoothies. I’ve had my fun living in Dubai, brunching most weekends on thousands of calories, this challenge is what I need to do to get back to where I was when I lived in London. I was toned, fit and happy with my body at a small size 10, rather than a 10 who really should be a 12 but is too in denial to buy anything with a number 2 on the label.


My breakfast twice last week: a green juice with 2 boiled eggs & 3 tbsp avocado

So, how does it work and how will it change my body?

The challenge consists of three phases, with meal plans and recipes for each meal throughout the 8 weeks, provided. The first phase is called ‘Spring Training’ which lasts two weeks and claims to detoxify, alkalise and cleanse the body by cutting out sugar, dairy and red meat, allowing three main meals and two snacks per day totalling around 1300 calories a day (for a woman).

The second phase is ‘Regular Season’ which lasts four weeks and is the longest phase of the challenge. It promises to create lean muscle tone, reduce inflammation and boost immune function all while defining your physique. This is achieved with a high protein diet to promote muscle recovery and create healthy fat loss.

The final phase lasts two weeks and is called ‘World Series’. This one is hardcore as it’s the fat stripping stage which focuses on keto. For those who don’t know what ketogenesis is, it’s basically high fat and low to no carbs which means your body will utilise fat for energy, instead of carbs, thus burning fat and showing ABS (you get the jist).

So that’s the plan, and I have just successfully completed week one! By successfully I mean I have followed the meal plan exactly, drank 3 litres of water daily, been to a class six days a week and aerial yoga for the remaining day.. And so far I’ve lost 2.3kg which for one week, I’m pretty pleased about.

For week one, a typical day consisted of smoked salmon and egg whites with spinach and peppers for breakfast, celery with almond butter and crispy garlic broccoli as morning and afternoon snacks, then chicken with chickpeas and mixed veg for lunch, followed by quinoa, kale and chicken for dinner. Because I haven’t deviated from the plan at all, I’m determined to stay on track for this week and look forward to a further loss. Every time a chocolate opportunity has come up, I genuinely haven’t even been tempted. I’m not craving sugar, I’m not wishing I could stick my face in a cake, I just eat my pre prepped food (which is key by the way. I cook A LOT now) when I’m hungry, and it’s been easy- so far.


A typical day on week 1

I’ll post weekly updates to keep myself accountable. Although I do have several events which clash with this plan, starting at week 5: a hen party, an awards dinner, friends visiting for 4 days, and a wedding. These will of course affect my results, but if I stick to every other day to the letter, I should be ok to have a couple of cheat days. For the events which include food, I’m going to eat as similarly to my plan as possible and stick to gin with soda water when I can’t avoid alcohol. After not drinking for five weeks by that time, I don’t think I’ll be able to handle much alcohol anyway. She says.

Ditching Dates, (for 8 weeks)

Where have I been?
Well, Fuckboy ended up confessing his undying love for me and insisted on treating me like a lady by taking me on a couple of dates. A couple of weeks later I found out he was in Thailand with his ex, was it even his ex? Who knows. Fuckboys are Fuckboys for a reason, and after much chasing on his part, I have stayed strong and completely ignored his attempts at contact. And this time I actually have learned, they don’t change- even if they take you on a date without sleeping with you.

I went on a few dates with another guy who had chat more dull than the grey paint in a prison.

I met a guy in a club who subsequently messaged me, I obviously stalked him- top tip, put their phone number into Facebook search if you don’t know their surname. Worked a treat, up came his profile along with recent wedding pics, him the groom. So in response to his ‘would love to take you for a drink’ text, came my ‘not sure your wife would approve’. Next.

I do think I must have been a hoe in my past life, because the men I attract are just, well, shockers. Maybe it’s me. I don’t particularly want a boyfriend, I don’t feel I need someone to ‘complete’ me and I hate the phrase ‘other half’ because I feel we should feel whole and anyone else just adds to your wholesome happy self. But I’m 28 and my eggs are dying over here so I need to be more open to the idea of commitment,  and less of a sceptic, which is my problem. My ‘independent, don’t need no man’ vibes clearly only attract a certain type.

So I’m going to focus on myself even more, for a solid 8 weeks. Having signed up to an 8 week challenge with my F45 studio which starts next week, I’m just starting to come to terms with/panic that I won’t be out for dinner or drinks for the next two months. So that means no dates, because I can’t not drink on a date, unless it’s like a hike or something, which FYI if you ask me on a hike on a first date, I’m not the one for you. Then again, I could be after this 8 week hell which promises to tone the shit out of me.

So to keep myself sane, I’m going to be posting weekly updates to keep me accountable, and who knows there might be a potential fat to fitty I meet on this challenge who isn’t married or as dull as dishwater.

Fuckboy Bye

eaff9607352e5795da4942b5f93ec2daA few months ago I was seeing a fuck boy. When I say seeing, we never actually went on a date. Our date night would consist of (not) watching films then ordering a food delivery before either one of us left after a few hours and woke up in our own beds. Barely any texting in between, not even friends with benefits, just the benefits.

This arrangement worked out fine, we were very discreet in that we didn’t tell anyone about it. There were lunchtime quickies whereby we’d both leg it out of the office at 1pm, meet at my apartment and get back to the office by 1.45pm with carpet burns, so to speak.

Then, after work one night having drinks with friends his name came up, but not from me. He had apparently spent the previous weekend with his ex-girlfriend and the photos on Instagram were passed round while people commented ‘that relationship is so on and off’. Meanwhile I’m sat there knowing full well he came over to mine that weekend, seemingly after spending the day with his ex. I’d had a couple of drinks, and although we barely text inbetween meets, I messaged him simply ‘don’t speak to me again’. That was that.

A few more weeks passed before I received a reply asking what he had done. At this point I had moved on and had forgotten about that situation. I replied telling him why but that it’s old news and I’m over it now. He denied it all, but I wasn’t petty enough to find the photo, screenshot it, then send it to him. Even though I had found the photo within milliseconds.

Two weeks later, which brings us to the weekend just gone: ‘hey..how are you? .. still pissed at me’ *sad face*. It was him.

‘Good thanks, not mad’. This turned into a short exchange of messages before I received a snapchat the following day. A selfie.

If this isn’t the behaviour of someone who’s just become single and needs some female attention from a past conquest, then I don’t know what is.

Sure enough, I was right. I asked outright, well rather I told him it’s clear he’s single again. I got the sob story about how messy his situation is, how he’s been on the sofa for months, blaaah.

I’m not sure what my role in this is meant to be now. To me I had a casual thing with a single guy, he went off the radar because he got back with his ex, now he’s single again he’s back in contact, maybe thinking we’ll pick things up again, who knows? But I’ve moved on and approaching 28 so casual flings, although it was fun- no doubt about that, were just that. Casual. It’s not something I am actively seeking. So in two words, okay three: fuck-boy bye.

Ghosts Can Also Be Female


When I received the below from a friend I was relieved, because it means I don’t have to write about it. I’m known as a bit of a serial ghoster and the reason is because I’m too much of a coward to tell these guys that I just don’t ‘feel a spark’, because it sounds like such a cop out. The easy way out is to ghost someone- meaning just completely ignore them, don’t reply, don’t acknowledge their existence. It’s mean, cruel, and I would hate it if someone I liked did it to me, but I can’t face someone and let them know I’m just not that into them. It’s better for them to think I’m a bitch than to burn their ego face to face. So guys I’ve ghosted, RIP. Enjoy the below.. 

By Anon Contributor & Ghoster

‘Ghosting’ is terrible isn’t it? Only fuckboys and cold, heartless idiots ghost people, right? I’ll admit I didn’t even know what ghosting what until the author of this blog explained it to me. Since then I’ve read articles on types of ghosting, why people ghost and how to get the ‘power’ back from a ghoster (FYI, that last one is complete crap).
The thing all these ghosting articles had in common was that it presumed the ghost was male.
And then I remembered; I’ve done this. It was a year or two ago, before the term had even been coined.
I started texting and then dating a guy that I’d known from university. We had known each other as friends of friends at Uni and he’d been widely regarded as good looking, a ‘regulation hottie’ to quote Mean Girls. He’d had a long term girlfriend at the time though, and we’re good girls – mostly – so he was off limits.
But he was now single so we dated, we had a lot in common, it was fun…and then I stopped texting him back.

He’d try to arrange a date, and I didn’t answer. He’d send me cute messages asking me about my day, no reply. In the end, he text me, all fake lighthearted, full of unnecessary smilies saying he realised I wasn’t replying. He confessed he really liked me and wanted to   see me again, but if I’d lost interest then ‘no hard feelings’.

Only I knew there were hard feelings. Still I didn’t respond. So, why had I done it? He was lovely, intelligent, caring and attractive…and I didn’t fancy him. The only way I can explain it is that I think Mila Kunis is fit but I don’t want to have sex with her. I hadn’t realised when we first were dating because the concept makes me nervous and so I presumed the butterflies were 50/50. Turns out, they were 100 per cent nerves, and nothing else.

I know I should have told him something polite like we had no chemistry, or I didn’t think we were a good fit, or a total lie like I was emigrating. But I knew he’d either ask awkward questions, try to persuade me otherwise or see right through me. The truth was, I didn’t fancy him and how do you tell someone that without offending them? It’s an ego basher. I knew I’d probably never see him again so I thought it better that he hates me. Maybe ‘closure’ would’ve helped him, maybe I was selfish but next time someone ghosts you or your friend, consider that maybe, just possibly, they thought they were saving your feelings. However misguided. Or, you know, they’re a fuckboy/girl.

Never Leave your Alter Ego at the Door


By Anon- contributor 

For me and my friends, ‘let’s go out for a quiet drink’ usually turns into ‘let’s get to the bar before the club closes at 3am’. On one of these nights I was approached by a guy who was nice and polite, but just not my type. When these incidents happen, I bring out my alter ego (I give myself a different name, a different job, a bizarre back story).

On this occasion, I drove an ice cream van to pay the bills and lived in a house with my three sisters Lydia, Lilly and Lulu. I felt quite sorry for the poor guy as it seemed as though he genuinely believed me. Thankfully, though, my friends wanted to move on so I managed to get away before he could ask for my number.

As the hours ticked by, the Prosecco flowed, the ‘try not to look too drunk’ selfies were snapped and we managed to avoid getting accidentally elbowed on the dance floor. While sat in a booth, a guy approached me – he was also nice and polite but this one was my type. We spoke for what seemed like hours. He had a decent sense of humour, was very gentlemanly and had great hair. My alter ego remained locked in her box.

The only thing I found odd was that his friends were nowhere to be seen. I asked him if he had come out on his own (praying in my head that he wasn’t a gorgeous weirdo scouring clubs for women). He said that his friends had left just before he spoke to me. Again, slightly strange but I brushed it off and we exchanged numbers.

We sealed the night with a kiss and I headed home in a taxi with friends. I thought it was refreshing that he didn’t ask me to go back with him and he seemed as though he genuinely wanted to take me out on a proper date. My instincts were right as he text me the next morning asking when I was free to meet up. The following weekend we went for a drink. It was going really well – there were no awkward silences, we had a lot in common and we ended up being the last couple in the bar before closing.

As we were leaving, he turned to me and said he had to be honest with me about something. I knew the date was going too well! I stood there expecting the worst – he’s married or has a girlfriend. I was close… he actually has three girlfriends, and they all know about one another. He wanted me to be the fourth. Yes, really. He explained to me that he only has open relationships and that he and his three girlfriends meet up once a fortnight for ‘danger play’ (think Fifty Shades but with more whips). He asked me – with a straight face – if I wanted to be part of his harem. At first I thought he was joking, so I laughed, but he wasn’t. I then politely declined.

So, the moral of my story is that even if your suitor looks the part, you should always keep your alter egos close by! Although thinking about it, maybe his polygamous orgy lifestyle was part of his alter ego…

Date Disaster #54371


Remember my last post when I got all confident because my friend and I got chatted up by ‘not weirdos’ in the old fashioned way and it was great? Yeah, I take that back.

I went on a date with one of the non-weirdos at the weekend. The evening was going well, really well in fact. We had a couple of cocktails and relived how we met the previous weekend when I was just about out of the door of the bar before I recognised his friend and blah blah got talking, got a drink, blah. So all going swimmingly…until he decided to spill his life story and make me metaphorically run for the hills.

‘I’ve only been single for a couple of weeks’, he starts with a long inhalation, I knew he was about to produce a story worthy of a pity party.

Turns out his ex found some messages on his phone. Alarm bells went off for me at that moment, but I thought I’d hear him out, mainly because I had no choice. She subsequently kicked him out after reading the messages which ‘were innocent, but didn’t read well’. He goes on to tell me how she’s quite ill in a self inflicted kind of way as opposed to a terminally poorly way, and that he’s saved her life a few times.

He’s telling me all this to justify the fact that ‘if we see a crazy blonde Irish woman running towards us, just run’. Oh fabulous, because running in Louboutins is my favourite version of high intensity exercise/just what I planned on doing on a Friday night date in JLT. NOT.

She also owed him some money which she was keeping for him.. because he had a gambling addiction ‘but not made a bet for 4 months now’. Reassuring.

The rest of the evening was spent trying to resist looking over my shoulder all night for an angry blonde while simultaneously keeping an eye on my handbag. But I’m a nice person so I thought I may as well spend the rest of the night being as supportive as possible, giving unprofessional advice while trying not to down my gin.

So my date turned into a bit of a psychiatry session. I think I should start a new profession- agony aunt extraordinaire.

Suffice to say there won’t be a second date, mainly because I quite like the idea of keeping my hair on my head as opposed to in another womans hands.